Stanton’s Retirement Blog

Yep. I’ve hung up my harness. I’m officially moving into my next career: Chief Household Supervisor and Occasional Sofa Decoration.

Why I’m Retiring?

Apparently, the humans think I’ve “earned a rest” and “deserve to take it easy.” Personally, I think I’ve still got plenty of zoomies left, but fine — I won’t fight them on it.

Besides, retirement comes with perks:

• More sniff breaks

• Zero performance reviews

• No one telling me “not that way, Stanton”

• Unlimited naps (which I was already taking, but now they’re sanctioned)

Dear Future Guide Dog,

Hi. It’s me. Stanton.
Your predecessor.
Your legend.
Your warning.

Since you’ll one day be taking over my job, let me give you some essential advice:

1. My human is brilliant.
   Treat them well. They’re funny, patient, and totally worth impressing.
2. They like confidence.
   Walk like you own the pavement. Even if you’re scared of pigeons. (I’m not. I just… respectfully avoid them.)
3. They appreciate a good cuddle.
   Don’t be stingy. Lean in. Use the full weight of your body. You’ll know you’ve done it right when they almost fall over.
4. They rely on you.
   Not in a heavy, scary way. But in that “you’re my partner, and I trust you completely” way.
   It’s the best feeling in the world.
5. Don’t chew their stuff.
   I won’t tell you why. Just… don’t.

And finally:

1. Try not to be as amazing as me.
   I mean, you can try. But let’s be realistic — I’ve set the bar high.
   Still, if you can give even half the love, loyalty, and support I have, you’ll do just fine.

Good luck, rookie.
I’ll be supervising from my retirement bed.
It’s memory foam. Obviously.